View through a partial window…or is that a partial view through a window…

I am pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that I am crazy.

(Am I really crazy or is it all in my mind?)

Haven’t I?

I can’t remember.

Because my mind is “On” and “Going”.

(All over the place, all the time. Read in parenthesis to see, skip to read blog.)

There are days I can’t stop it. Or its thinkerings, even if the subject is not to my liking.

(Dark places live in there…as well as brite ones)

You could say, my mind has a mind of its own. I spend quite a bit of energy keeping it on track or at the very least polite.

(I am thinking of my cross-country days…the smell of pine forests)

My mantra: Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

What should be my mantra: Speak kindly, gently and truthfully.

(My mind is bashing myself for being too blunt far too many times…and now my mind is apologizing for bashing myself)

I’ve got the truthfully part down…kind is in need of major work…story of my life.

I hope I’m getting better at it…

But I am digressing…

What I am going to tell you about is my ‘diagnosis’ of a very common condition.

(I am giggling at ‘diagnosis’…and the word ‘may’ while the DiVinyls are singing in the background.)

Keep in mind this ‘diagnosis’ is purely for interest and not by a proffessional.

(My mind sees a man in a white lab coat and glasses…holding a clip board…smiling. Thank God he’s smiling now my mind is racing to all the ‘other’ non-smiling options Doctors have to speak of…now my mind races to the receiver of such news…and all of this is fictionally happening in my mind…push STOP. I have a ginormous RED one in my head cos I need to push it often. It’s kinda like Staple’s “Easy” button…)

It was done on the internet by answering a few questions then given a number score.

(I am hearing sports announcers scream SCORE! in my head now…)

So being it’s just on the interwebs and not a real diagnosis, it’s just for fun.

(I like fun! Bubbles, wind, water, horses, kids…)

The test was for ADHA for adults. I saw it on a commercial who’s spokesperson is a rock singer.

(Seeing a rock, singing, then seeing the real singer on a rock singing…)

Top score is 30, not bad if you’re trying to get on the Billboard Charts, but for ADHD you’re looking for way less.

My actual number was…drum roll please…25.

(Are you guffawing too?)

I have been advised to see a physician for further diagnosis and ‘possible’ treatment.

(Ice cream is my treatment. I think it freezes my brain cells and my mind actually slows down. No? Impossible? Well I think I should keep testing that theory.)

I’m no dummy. I know this is an ad for their medication. The whole point is to say: you need help and we have the perfect drug (Nine Inch Nails anyone?), we’ll happily take your money for this little pill…

I’ve been this way my whole life.

School, college, marriage, mothering, working.

I think I’ll die with my mind on various things.

(Picturing my burial and the coffin I want. It’s all eco-friendly and decomposes with your body. Perfect! Under a willow tree…which is not allowed because then my body would decompose into the nearby water system and that is a no-no. So I won’t get my willow…maybe an apple tree but then eating those apples in a few years…hmmm…is that still considered cannibalism? Then a cedar…if I may be deemed worthy of such a burial…STOP) all of that in a millisecond.

I don’t need a pill.

I needed patience when I was in school and I was one of the lucky ones to get the teachers who gave me that. The best ones gave me ‘extra’ tasks and chores. If I was constantly processing something I could function well. If I was bored oh boy…I’m so sorry to all my teachers that I drove batty. I meant no harm.

I’m old older now. I’ve learned to mostly control my thinkerings by sheer will power, tricks or techniques. But there are days when I’m off.

Days when you think I’m not listening to you, it’s entirely possible I am not. But I will tell you. Bluntly and perhaps rudely. I am sorry. I don’t mean to be a booger, I am just having a hard time focusing and my frustration is going up.

It’s a battle with my own mind.

(Do you see the battle from Two Towers too?)

Somedays I win. Others I do not.

All I can say is I’m trying. I’m always trying, it’s exhausting sometimes.

(You would think I would sleep better…maybe if I can learn to sleep with my eyes shut…)

I ask of you, to have patience with me. If I’m not ‘there’, could be cos it’s a rough battle day.

I promise you, I will do my best.

I promise you, I will eventually catch on and pay attention.

Lastly I promise I will smile for you.

Everything is better with a smile. Even the battle 🙂


About Sheila's Thinkerings

Happily married wife, happily mommied mom. I am far from perfect but I don't mind. Also I am a wee bit crazy, it's true. Just ask anyone who's ever met me...
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1 Response to View through a partial window…or is that a partial view through a window…

  1. Tanya says:

    I’m sorry, you lost me a bubbles. If you had written that in a sparkly pink font, I might have been lost to my laptop for eternity! Fortunately, what I thought to comment on came before that – probably because I hadn’t been completely bedazzled by the thought of sparkley bubbles. But I digress. You do speak truthfully and I (read that “I” in itallics and bold) believe you speak kindly. I don’t think you have ever said something with the intent of hurting someone or with malice in your mind. I think the piece that would need a tweak is the gentile. Have to soften the blow sometimes. “Your hair! It’s so…….short! (blonde, full of body, different….)” You don’t have to say ‘What on earth did you do to your hair!? You looked better before!’ Can’t change it now!..especially if it’s cut. It’s all in the delivery. Acknowledging the change without having to lie. I think you say what is on your mind without considering it may be received different from how you hear it in your own mind. You don’t pause to find a floral way to deliver said comment, it just comes spilling out because you are meaning what you are saying. Feel like I’m babbling now. hehe I guess responding to blogs at almost midnight does that for you. Just had to give my 2 cents. Love you!

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